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It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Saiyan/Transcript
DISCLAIMER VEGETA: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to Zarbon's corpse falling into a lake, Vegeta killing him in cold blood) KRILLIN: Wow. You really took care of that guy. VEGETA: Yeah, didn't even know I could pull that off. But... you know us Saiyans, we get stronger every time we almost die. KRILLIN: Well... that seems... incredibly unfair. So, um... you seem like a busy man, so... VEGETA: Oh yeah, killing people, and I'm about to become immortal. KRILLIN: Well, we don’t wanna keep ya, so I guess we'll be seeing ya! VEGETA: Yep! And I still got a lot to take care of and I... Ohohohoho! Ohhh, wait a minute, nice try. Gimme the Dragon Ball. KRILLIN: Aww... (gives Vegeta the Dragon Ball) VEGETA: Ya know, I could kill both of you right now, but after killing Zarbon and getting this last Dragon Ball, I'm in a good mood; I mean a REALLY good mood. But just remember this: next time you see me, I will be immortal... Not that you stood a chance to begin with. I'm just... Saiyan. (canned laughter plays in the background) Wakka wakka! (flies off) SEQUENCE (cuts to Krillin and Bulma after Vegeta has taken off with the DragonBall) BULMA: Well, congratulations. You've single-handedly doomed us all. KRILLIN: I didn't see you do anything. BULMA: What exactly did you expect me to do? KRILLIN: Well I dunno, maybe you could've bitched at him, how 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days! Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? "Bulma, the Mistress of Bitching", that's what they should call you... (cuts to Vegeta and Gohan, each of them holding a DragonBall, flying in the sky) VEGETA & GOHAN: (both of them singing in their thoughts in the tune of "Don’t Stop Me Now" by Queen) ♪Don’t stop me now, having such a good time♪ ♪I'm holdin’ this ball♪ ♪Don’t stop me now...♪ (both Vegeta and Gohan senses each other and stops singing) VEGETA & GOHAN: What the...?! GOHAN: That's Vegeta... (in his thoughts) Uh, I know! (flies down and hides behind a cliff) If I just hide here and lower my power level, he shouldn't find me! VEGETA: Okay, what the hell is going on? I know I just sensed something down there. GOHAN: (thinking) Good! Now just go on and... VEGETA: Hey! Show yourself before I turn this place into a barren wasteland! So basically the same, only on fire. GOHAN: (thinking) Crapbaskets! VEGETA: (begins charging a ki blast) Three... Two... One... (prepares to blast the area before...) GOHAN: (pops his head up) Hi! Um... hello... Mr. Vegeta... sir. VEGETA: Oh, well if it isn't Moe Howard. GOHAN: How do you even... VEGETA: Space Hulu. GOHAN: Figures. VEGETA: So what are you doing here? GOHAN: Oh, you know, just... flying around. VEGETA: Flying around? GOHAN: Flying around. VEGETA: Thwarting my plans? GOHAN: Thwarting your plans? VEGETA: Are you? GOHAN: No. VEGETA: Good, 'cause that'd be bad. GOHAN: How bad? VEGETA: I'd have to kill you. GOHAN: That's bad. VEGETA: Indeed. (notices Gohan holding the Dragon Radar) Stupid-looking watch you got there. GOHAN: (hiding the Dragon Radar) Yes... it tells time... and nothing else. VEGETA: Well, yeah, that's what a watch DOES. (rolls his eyes) ...Dumbass. GOHAN: jackass, So, uh, can I... help you? VEGETA: (gently puts his hand on Gohan's face) No... but maybe I can help you. GOHAN: Uh... I need an adult... VEGETA: I am an adult. (knees Gohan in the stomach) GOHAN: UNNGH! (falls over and holds his stomach in pain) VEGETA: By the way, I only hit you because I have pent-up aggression against your father. Take that. (flies away) GOHAN: (thinking) Don't... stop me now... I don't... wanna... stop at... allllll... (stumbles and falls off cliff) (cuts back to Krillin continuing his rant on Bulma) KRILLIN: ...Seriously, five ancient sages of Bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth! And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell, because YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH! Uhh... BULMA: Ya done? KRILLIN: Yeah... yeah, I guess. BULMA: Good. (hits Krillin off-screen) KRILLIN: (off-screen) Ow! (Gohan arrives with the Dragon Ball) GOHAN: Guys! KRILLIN: Gohan! GOHAN: You guys, I think we should find a new location. KRILLIN: Why? What's wrong with this place? GOHAN: Because we have 10 minutes before Vegeta finds out that I just stole this. (Krillin gives off terrified, high-pitched whimpering noises as Gohan smiles sweetly) (cuts to Vegeta jumping inside a lake to retrieve the last Dragon Ball he had taken from a Namekian village) VEGETA: (thinking) God, I love it when a plan comes together! Took some time, effort, and lots of bodies, but now it’s mine. Immortality is my bitch! Now, it should be right here.... riiight here. (searches around for the missing Dragon Ball) Where the hell is it? It couldn’t have gone anywhere. Alright, I'm going to close my eyes, (closes eyes) and when I open them up, it’s going to be right here... (opens his eyes) it's not here. Why isn't it here!? I don't get it! Who could have--! (remembers that Gohan was near the place where he hid the Dragon Ball) The kid! But... how could he have found it!? He would... Wait! (remembers Gohan holding the Dragon Radar) That watch... That watch was no watch at all! It was some kind of Dragon Ball locator. (starts clenching his fist) Which means... Which means... (Ghost Nappa appears with a ping) GHOST NAPPA: (deadpan) He tooook the Dragon Ball. (cuts an outside shot of the lake with Vegeta bursting out of the water, blasting off into the distance after Gohan) VEGETA: (eyes are seen bloodshot) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH...! (cuts to Gohan and Krillin flying in the sky) GOHAN: (hears Vegeta's scream) Uh, Krillin. do you hear that? KRILLIN: I feel that. (cuts to Frieza's ship) FRIEZA: (hears Vegeta's scream) What the devil is that noise? (cuts to Goku, in his ship, still flying through space to Namek) GOKU: (going through a fridge) Ahh, time for a delicious sports dri-- (takes out a sports drink and hears Vegeta's scream) Huh? What the heck is that? (cuts to Earth's Check-In Station in the afterlife) KING YEMMA: (flipping through a book) Purgatory... Hell... (hears Vegeta's scream) Denise? Denise, do you hear that? Oh, God, is that my wife? LEAVE ME ALONE!!! YOU ALREADY TOOK THE KIDS; WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! (cuts to the 20 years later in a ruined future in an alternate timeline) TRUNKS: Alright, mom. Once that time machine is done, I can go back into the past, to save Goku, and my father-- (hears Vegeta's scream) Daddy? (cuts to Krillin, Gohan, and Bulma finding a new hiding place from Vegeta) KRILLIN: Alright, I don't think Vegeta will find us here. Gohan, I need to get you to Guru's. GOHAN: What? Why? KRILLIN: So the old man can touch you and pull things out of you that you never knew you had. GOHAN: ...I need an adult? KRILLIN: I am an adult. BULMA: Oh, no! No, no, NO! I am not letting you abandon me here again! Those bitches on Lifetime might put up with it, but not me! KRILLIN: Bulma, you're right. You have been very helpful and very patient with us. So in return... we're letting you watch the Dragon Ball. Bye! (flies away with Gohan) BULMA: I WILL KILL YOU BOTH IN YOUR SLEEP!!! (cuts to Frieza's ship) FRIEZA: (thinking) As soon as the Ginyu Force arrives, all of my problems will officially be over. Soon, immortality will be mine and the entire universe will be under my foot. I wonder what I should do first? I guess I should start with what I WON’T do when I become immortal: Die! ACAI: Lord Frieza, the Ginyu Force is scheduled to arrive in five minutes. FREEZA: Thank you, Acai. ACAI: Also, after rising concerns with our personnel... exploding, we decided to form a union! FRIEZA: ...Adorable. (fires an eye blast at Acai) ACAI: RRRAAGGGH!!! FRIEZA: (thinking) Oh! First thing I'm going to do is go up to Cooler and slap him right in his smug, prick face! (cuts to Krillin and Gohan flying in the air) GOHAN: (notices Guru's house from a distance) Hey, Krillin! KRILLIN: That's it! We're going to make it. We're finally gonna-- (hears Vegeta scream and stops flying) ...die. We are going to die. GOHAN: Krillin, what is that? KRILLIN: Pure rage, Gohan. Pure rage. GOHAN: What do we do? KRILLIN: Run, Gohan. Run as fast as you can! GOHAN: But I-- KRILLIN: DO AS I SAY, FOR I AM THE HEAVENLY BUDDHA! GOHAN: ...What--? KRILLIN: Just go! (Gohan flies away to Guru's house) (cuts to Guru's house) NAIL: Guru, sir, we have another traveler from Earth. GURU: Oh, tell me you didn't let him inside. GOHAN: Hello, Mr. Guru. GURU: Oh, goddammit! GOHAN: Mr. Guru, sir, my friend Krillin told me that you could help us by... touching me. GURU: Do I look Catholic to you? NAIL: Sir, I think he means he wants you to release his hidden potential. GOHAN: Yeah, that. GURU: Fine, stand still. (places his hand on Gohan's head) It's your first time, so I'll be gentle. Now relax as I reach deep inside you and grab hold of your essence. GOHAN: I... need an adult? GURU: I AM AN ADUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- (unlocks Gohan's hidden potential) (cuts back to Krillin) KRILLIN: (thinking) Huh, that’s odd. I don’t feel anything anymore. Wonder if we lost him? (Vegeta dashes past Krillin and stops in midair. His eyes are bloodshot as he has gone crazy from his blind rage.) VEGETA: (delirious) I am here for it... KRILLIN: (scared) For what? VEGETA: Dragon... Ball. I... need... that Dragon Ball. Give it to me. The one you took. I need my wish... KRILLIN: Are... you OK? GHOST NAPPA: I think your rage broke, Vegeta. VEGETA: SHUT UP, GHOST OF NAPPA!!! KRILLIN: What was that? VEGETA: I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU'RE CRAZY! ESPECIALLY YOU, NAPPA! GHOST NAPPA: Eeeeey. KRILLIN: Who are you talking to? VEGETA: Dragon Ball! Hand now, please. KRILLIN: Um, I don't... really... have it. (a blood vessel bursts in Vegeta's right eye, making it turn red) VEGETA: No... KRILLIN: What? VEGETA: (right eye starts dripping blood) Noo... KRILLIN: Uh... VEGETA: (slowly starts approaching Krillin; both eyes now bloodshot red) Noooo... KRILLIN: (whimpers in fear) (Vegeta continues approaching Krillin, then suddenly feels Guru powering up Gohan and snaps out of it) VEGETA: Huh, wait, what? Where am I? (to Krillin) Why are you here? Where's Nappa? KRILLIN: Didn't you kill him? VEGETA: Yes. Of course I did. He's dead... forever. KRILLIN: So, uh.... VEGETA: Where's that immense power coming from? KRILLIN: (quickly) Oh, that's probably Gohan over in the hut with the creator of the Dragon Balls is. You know, the guy who can unlock your potential by putting his hand on top of your head-- Oh, God, I cannot shut up when I am scared... VEGETA: Interesting. I'm gonna pay him a... What do you call it? KRILLIN: A visit? VEGETA: Beating! That's it. I'm gonna go pay him a beating. KRILLIN: Aww! Crapbaskets. (Vegeta flies off and lands in front of Guru's house) NAIL: Hello? Can I... help you with something? VEGETA: Yeah, the first thing you can do is go die, save me the trouble. NAIL: Ooh! Ooh! Is this really happening? 'Cause I really hope it is. VEGETA: (laughs) Trust me, you don't want any of what I am now. NAIL: Then come on, bring on all four feet of you. Or should I count your stupid hair? VEGETA: Pretty big talk coming from a bipedal slug. NAIL: Big talk coming from a bipedal bitch VEGETA: (laughs) Oh, I gotta admit, you are the best challenge I've gotten out of your people yet... Then again, I have to compare you to are those villagers I slaughtered. NAIL: Oh, you are DEAD! GURU: Naaaaaail! Stop making out with your boyfriend! I can hear it from here! It sounds like, (makes gagging and slurping noises) NAIL: (sarcastically) Thank you, Lord Guru! VEGETA: I'm not here for any of you idiots anyway. I'm here for the old man. GOHAN: (walks out of Guru's house) Oh no, you don’t! With this power-up, I'm now as strong as you were when we fought on Earth. VEGETA: Congratulations! You're still weaker than the last three guys I killed. GOHAN: Wow... I now know what it's like to feel like Krillin. KRILLIN: (off-screen) Sucks, doesn't it? VEGETA: Look, it doesn't matter how strong you get, kid. Besides Frieza, I'm the strongest thing on this planet! Bar none. GURU: Hey! Just thought I would inform you all. I detect several high power levels coming towards the planet. VEGETA: What? Several high power levels? GURU: There are five of them in total. VEGETA: Five of them!? GURU: And they're all incredibly flamboyant! VEGETA: Oh, God, it's them! KRILLIN: What are you talking about? ("Sanjou!! Ginyu Tokusentai!!" starts playing in the background) VEGETA: We're doomed... Don't you understand? We're all going to die here! KRILLIN: Who? Who is it? VEGETA: It's... the Ginyu Force... (The Ginyu Force's space pods are seen arriving on Planet Namek, producing a huge explosion making the screen red) GINYU FORCE: We’re heeeeere... JEICE: ...mates. SEQUENCE (cuts to Goku wearing boxer shorts with a towel around his neck opening a refrigerator) GOKU: Whew! Alrighty! Time for a post-workout drink. (takes out a beer) Nah, it’s too early to get crunk. (puts beer back and holds up a Powerthirst energy drink) Nah, energy drinks just don’t do it for me anymore. (puts sports drink back and takes out a bottle of peanuts) I can't drink these! These are nuts! (puts peanuts back and holds up a Team Four Star Soda) Oooh, what's this? It looks delicious! And it's high in calcium! GOKU & SINGERS: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Team Four Star soda!